Video Games

Leaked: Next Patch for “Evil Dead the Game”

Balancing Change List

Survivors

General

  • Hunters Stamina Regeneration changed from 20 stamina points per second to 12 stamina points per minute
  • Survivors “Bleeding Out” state removed, replaced with the “Pwned” state.
    • In the Pwned state, survivor’s body lays on the ground helpless as an Elite Skeleton rubs its grimy, loam-caked pubic bone on survivor face for the duration of the match. Survivor cannot be revived from this state.
  • Boss headshot damage now heals boss units.
  • Survivor spawn points now visible on Demon map as golden smiley faces.
  • Supply chests have 10% chance to boot survivor and uninstall game.

Character Abilities

  • Lord Arthur: The Lord’s Wrath: Melee bonus damage changed from 20% to 0%, but the fire visual effect is still pretty cool.
  • Warrior Ash: Shemps Colas made easier to spot for AoD Ashes (disco ball effect added).
  • Scotty: Thunder Thrust renamed to Tickle Party: Damage lowered from 100 per unit to 5 per unit, also heals possessed basic balance bar. Scotty overall health decreased by 37%. Scotty can no longer collect Pink F.
  • Henry the Red: To make Henry more movie accurate, he can only be played for the first and last five minutes of the match.
  • Hunter Ash: Exorcist: Activating this ability causes Hunter Ash to immediately be possessed. No cooldown.
  • Kelly: Countershot: Bleed damage was bugged, now damaging Kelly as intended.
  • Amanda: Just kidding, you’re not playing Amanda.
  • Ed Getley: Ed Getley removed from the game and your heart.
  • Cheryl: Shemps are now invisible to Cheryl while looting. Healing Touch: Green glow visual effect removed. Cheryl takes double damage from trees. Cheryl players are sent mean letters through their local post office at regular intervals.
  • Support Ash: Reassuring Presence now pings location to Demon.
  • Pablo: Pablo’s invisibility removed, but Pablo still thinks he’s invisible.

Skills

Fixed bug where Survivors accrue experience points.

Kandarian Demon

General

  • Infernal Energy regeneration removed, bar is full at all times. Actually bar is removed. Why bar?
  • Skeleton Elite arms health was changed from 100 to 😂
  • Possessed Elite Deadite Health changed from 3000 to 😂
  • Possessed Elite Skeleton Health changed from 2250 to 😂
  • Possessed Berserker Health changed from 1500 to 900
  • Car possession maintain energy cost changed from 0.3 a second to 0. Possessing cars now charges infernal energy even though its been removed and sends a $15 Starbucks gift card to Demon player homes.
  • Cars start match possessed.
  • Cars also removed from game.
  • All open windows have been boarded up.
  • All Elite units replaced with Elite Skeletons.
  • All units (including Survivors) replaced with Elite Skeletons.

Warlord

Possessed Deadites stun time changes:

  • Basic: From 1 seconds to 0.05 second
  • Elite: From 1 second to 7 seconds.
  • Boss: From 1.5 second to no.

Other Warlord changes:

  • New Rage-Sensing PlayStation Tech senses Survivor irritation and heals all demonic unit balance bars as anger increases. (Not Available on PC or XBox)
  • Basic Unit Portals no longer cost infernal energy.
  • Time between possessions decreased somehow.
  • Henrietta’s nipples added to model and rendered at 4k at per player request.
  • Warlord players who win in the first five minutes sent a Frosty(TM) of their choice from Wendy’s, paid for from Cheryl player accounts.

Puppeteer

  • Puppeteer units no longer do damage to Survivors.
  • Eligos teleportation removed.
  • Eligos removed.
  • Basic Unit explosion heals Survivors by 25%.
  • Puppeteer Elite Units now lay down and cry after spawning.
  • Puppeteer players receive a 5 point ding to their credit score every match.

Necromancer

General changes:

  • 17 Fluteboi songs added to rotation, including but not limited to: “Rock You Like a Hurricane,” “Orinoco Flow,” “Wellerman,” the Jazz Flute song Ron Burgundy plays, “The Girl from Ipanema,” “Allstar,” “Hot Cross Buns,” and most songs from Encanto.
  • Spawning the fluteboi randomly kills one Survivor.
  • Fluteboi can now walk but doesn’t feel like it right now.

Boss changes:

  • 12 Evil Ash skins added.
  • Evil Ash’s active skill “Skeleton Resurrection” changed to “Sally Forth.” It’s the same as his old one but now he struggles to say “Sally Forth” while active.
  • Evil Ash no longer takes headshot damage, but will instead change model to “Skeleton Face” version.
  • Evil Ash is your new dad.

Lobby Changes:

Necromancer is now the only Demon selectable in lobby.

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Fan-Fiction is Fun: The Yellow Pike

This hilarious exchange on Reddit — where someone discovered that their childhood memory of Stephen King’s book IT was actually an IT/Criminal Mind fanfic — reminded me of my own forays into fan-fiction.

Most of them are happily lost to time (*cough*DragonBallZ*cough*), but I remembered that I wrote one a few years back that still exists (that I don’t hate).

I wrote this Destiny fan-fiction when I was really into the game. I then posted it on Reddit, because, I don’t know, I’m a huge fucking dork. Please enjoy this short story about friendship, sacrifice, and invulnerable space ghosts. And yes, the Titan “Stella” was my Destiny character.

Obviously, I don’t own any of this shit and it’s for parody or whatever is the most legal.

Submitted for the approval of the Midnight Society, I call this story . . .

“The Yellow Pike”

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Categories: Fanfic, Video Games, writing | Tags: , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

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